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Red Tabby Cruising Committee Meets

/ Ben Starling / 1 Comment

The first Meeting of the Red Tabby Cruising Committee has adjourned… and it was fantastic! There were free drinks for everyone, three course meals, cupcakes to frolic in… 

Well, possibly not free for everyone – but for beloved guests of honour… absolutely. (The First Mate‘s strangled choking noises behind me are a tad reminiscent of when he was trying to bift me off the cupcake pile last night. But frankly if I heeded all of the Can Opener’s gasping and in articulate overreacting I would never get anything done. And certainly the cupcake count of my life would be dramatically lower.)

The First Mate spent the better part of this morning with Cruising Committee work: drafting emails to Cruising Section Members to publicise upcoming club cruising events this Spring. Tomorrow he’ll be compiling the updated Section contact list. Moaning and aching all day, he was. As if he were the only one frenetically employed…

At times, I do find the Can Opener has little regard for real effort – I have been busy all morning filing the leftover patisserie I looted. Filed according to colour, culinary heritage and tastiness… (Oi! WHERE did these come from, Fuzzbucket?? I thought I completely emptied your dreadful sac à main last night! My dear First Mate, that delightful Red Tabby chef absolutely pressed them upon me when I told him I could get him Dee Cafari‘s autograph. She still remembers me…)

Quality control is my forté. 

–Captain Cat 

(transcribed by the Can Opener)

Captain Cat Funds a Boat

/ Ben Starling / Leave a comment

Captain Cat Funds a Boat

Couldn’t be simpler – here’s my plan:
  1. Get a job, 80-100 hours or so per week is best*.
  2. When you can’t fit any more money in the bathtub, get out the wheelbarrow.
  3. Load cash into barrow, wheelie it down to the main street and put it in something called a bank account.
  4. When the numbers in the account equal the price of your dream boat – your boat is funded!
  5. Quit job.
  6. Invest money.
  7. Research and shop for boat (meanwhile training, studying, preparing self to cruise)…
  8. … aaaaaaaaaaaand… buy one!
The plan is coming along nicely. Frankly, I’m a genius. 
And the radioactive glower coming at me from the Can Opener is inexplicable.
–Captain Cat
(transcribed by the Can Opener)

* as in get the First Mate to get a job.

Cruising Kitty Awarded Elite Honours

/ Ben Starling / Leave a comment

Yesterday evening in a small private ceremony held in the ceremonial gardens of Buckingham Palace, our own Cruising Kitty was awarded the St Bastet Medal of Honour for contributions to the art and sport of sailing, presented by the spectacular Dee Cafari in a lime green ensemble with feather hat.

After Ms. Cafari placed the medal around his neck, the Cruising Kitty bowed regally and nodded as the assembled crowd cheered wildly. 
The Princess Catherine and that other guy just helicoptered in from Wales were in attendance; the Princess wearing a svelte little number in turquoise with matching feather hat and brooch.
After the ceremony, the Cruising Kitty was heard to say humbly… from beneath his own trembling feather hat: ‘ ‘Twas but nothing. Just happy to help the sport in any way I can.’

Then he launched himself off of the marquee entrance awning to dive magestically into Dee’s shopping bag as she left the palace premises heading towards the stables or wherever it is that royal guests leave to/from.





–Captain Cat

(transcribed in utter disbelief by the Can Opener)

* The medal is made of gold. On the obverse is an image of Britannia surrounded by the motto, with the words “For Meritorious Service” at the bottom; on the reverse is a dancing salmon, with the words “Smoked salmon – as tasty as fresh”. The name of the recipient is engraved on the rim.


ps. April Fool!

There’s More Than One Alternate Reality

/ Ben Starling / Leave a comment

Can Opener: Okay, okay… If I were king… there’d be a Hallberg-Rassy for everyone. And marine electronics that actually last and don’t fizzle after just one year.

Captain Cat: If everyone had a Hallberg-Rassy they wouldn’t be special.

Can Opener: Yeah. They’d still be okay.

Captain Cat: … Anything else? …

Can Opener: Nope. That’s it.

Captain Cat: (tail lashing…) … …

Can Opener: Oh. Yeah. Okay… If I were king… everyone would have their own Hallberg-Rassy and there’d be as many shrimps in the harbour entrance shrimp dispensers as anyone could ever eat.


Captain Cat: That’s more like it.

–transcribed by the Can Opener

Quotes
Next: Of All God’s Creatures
Previously: An Alternate Reality


An Alternate Reality

/ Ben Starling / Leave a comment

Enter the Cruising Kitty stage left, wearing feather hat and dragging small guilded sceptre…

Captain Cat (approaches sofa, deposits sceptre on First Mate’s foot with thump): 

If I were king, it’d all be different. You’d turn on the tap and it’d run milk. The smoked salmon delivery van would come every day. And there’d be a lot more karate how-to videos on youtube.


Can Opener:  ??

Captain Cat: Uh-huh. It’d be a salmon-based economy. Guaranteed success.

Can Opener: I don’t even know where to begin…

Captain Cat: Ah-hah! My discerning logic and keen insight has rendered you speechless!

Can Opener:  Yes…. You also interrupt my well-deserved study break.

Captain Cat: …

Captain Cat: … 

Captain Cat: Have a shrimp?


Can Opener: Shh. Jackie Chan’s on channel 4.

–transcribed by the Can Opener 

Quotes
Next: There’s More Than One Alternate Reality
Previously: More Wise Counsel to Anchor Yourself By

More Wise Counsel to Anchor Yourself By

/ Ben Starling / Leave a comment

My choice of anchors and cables is worked out on the premise of stout gear to handle the worst conditions…with a minimum of fuss and wasted energy.

Which (anchor) is best? …we carry three (of the four well-known ones)… because each is good for different conditions. 

You can use duct tape to hold your oilskins together. You can get by with unvarnished oars or a spinnaker with a dozen patches. You skip cockpit cushions entirely. But when it comes to anchors and cables, you want the best.

—Hal Roth, How to Sail Around the World

Can’t argue with that. More good advice for life in general too if you kind of squint your eyes when you look at it. 

–Captain Cat 
(transcribed by the Can Opener) 

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